Jedi Training

entertainment, Humor, movies

Written by Jason Williams

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

Actually it was about 30 years ago in my living room.  My father showed me The Empire Strikes Back for the first time – I don’t remember seeing A New Hope for the first time, which is weird – but I specifically remember the first time I saw Episode V.  So, from a very young age I knew that Darth Vader was Luke’s father.

Sorry, I should have said ‘spoiler alert’ before that last bit, but honestly, if you don’t know that little bit of cinematic history I honestly don’t care that I ruined it for you – if you’re 40 years behind on your movie queue, you need to loosen up your schedule a bit.  But I digress…

Needless to say, I was instantly hooked.  Like really hooked.  Like probably to an unhealthy level.  Like is it odd for a kid to ask his father to play Star Wars with him…and ask his father to be Darth Vader…and for his father to cut his hand off?

That'll teach you to not finish your broccoli!
That’ll teach you to not finish your broccoli!

I grew up watching the original three movies over and over and when the prequels came out, I was at all three midnight premieres.  I’m one of the rare fans who didn’t love them but didn’t hate them either.  They were okay in my book.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I would still love to beat Jar Jar Binks to death with young Anakin…but the stories as a whole were okay.  Plus, they upped the badassery factor of the franchise – Liam Neeson?  Samuel L. Jackson?  Darth Maul?  Dueling Yoda…okay, that just makes me think of “Dueling Banjos” and I’m picturing Deliverance with Yoda.  “A pretty mouth, you have.  A pig, you will squeal like.”

"I didn't know someone could 'laser themself with their own saber."
“I didn’t know someone could ‘laser themself with their own saber.”

I’m so very sorry about that.  Anyway, since we can’t scrub that image out of our minds, let’s just move on.

Naturally I was über-stoked when I learned about The Force Awakens – so much so that I actually used the word über-stoked!  I wasn’t too concerned about George Lucas not being at the helm anymore (hello, the dude thought up the Gungans for God’s sake) but I was a bit trepidatious about Disney taking it over.  They haven’t always been known for making good life choices – if the company was a person, they would have needed bail money and penicillin more than a couple times throughout their life.  I was so afraid that there would be a talking lightsaber, voiced by Andy Dick, breaking out into song and getting Luke Skywalker whistling and strutting through a swamp in Dagobah.  Luckily, they had J.J. Abrams in charge and that dude never let’s me down…except for “Lost” – time travel?  Seriously?  I bought into the Polar Bear and the smoke monster…but, time travel?  Dude.  Dude.

Time traveling polar bears MIGHT work...
Time traveling polar bears MIGHT work…

Then, keeping with my premiere tradition, my wife and I took our oldest son to the first showing of “The Force Awakens” and OH MY WOOKIE it did not disappoint!  I loved every minute of it – I even loved the part I hated the most (if you haven’t seen it, that makes no sense, but I’m not spoiling THAT for you).  I can’t wait to plug in the Blu-Ray for the first time and explore all the special features and experience the movie again (and again and again and again and again).  And I’m already pumped about the next two installments of this new trilogy as well as the spinoff films they have planned.

Have you heard about those?

Sure as Jabba has atrocious cholesterol, there will be spinoff movies!  There is talk about three different spinoffs focusing on Han Solo, Boba Fett, and Yoda (again, so sorry about the Deliverance thing earlier).  But why stop there?!  There are hundreds of different characters that you could make origin stories about.  Chewbacca kind of had a bit of a spinoff in the “Star Wars Christmas Special” – of course that mind-numbing eye assault included a cross-dressing chef, Chewie’s dad having some sort of virtual reality acid trip/lap dance, and Bea Arthur (no, she didn’t do the lap dance, but it wouldn’t have made the situation any worse) – so maybe the Wookie needs a do-over.

02-SWHSwookiees
Episode VIIII: Teen Wolf Awakens

You could do a spin off on C3PO and R2D2 and all of their droid hijinks – like an intergalactic buddy movie!  The Ewoks had a spinoff, but they could probably get a do-over as well, but they sort of annoyed the crap out of me, so I think their story should end with them getting shaved and sold into slavery for Willy Wonka or Keebler or something.  And let’s not forget this guy:

Screen Shot 2016-04-05 at 8.04.23 PM

Who better to tell the story of healthy body images in a universe full of svelte Jedi’s?  He doesn’t pass on the dessert at the Cantina but still has the confidence to go shirtless with Hammer pants.  Kudos to you Mr. Brotato Head!

But, just like Obi-Wan said to Darth Maul, “I’m gonna cut this short” (okay, if you didn’t get that one either, why are you still reading this – you have way too many movies to watch to be wasting your time with me) and leave you to return to your Jedi training.  I just wanted to thank See, Here’s the Thing for the opportunity to be a guest blogger and for all of you loyal little Jawas for taking five minutes out of your day to lend me your eyes.

May the Force be with you.

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