Hailing Gobstoppers

entertainment, Humor, humor

gobstopper humorIt’s really hot out this morning.  Like, the kind of hot that completely throws you off guard because of how early it is in the day.

And it’s a tricky hot, too.  It’s a gorgeous day, not a cloud in the sky.  The lawnmowers are buzzing on the lawns down 6th street, and several bicyclists whiz by on the swiftness of the breeze.  The pollen count has gone down and the flowers are thriving.  Visually, it’s a perfect summer day.  But that’s where the trickiness comes in.

At 8 AM, it was hot in waves.  Kind of like when you walk by the sauna at the YMCA, but don’t go in.  The kind of heat that makes you feel slightly uncomfortable, but not enough to deter you from taking a walk or laying outside.  Then again, it is only 8 AM.

humor gobstoppersBy 9 AM, it was sticky hot.  Hot like I’ve-been-laying-out-for-10-minutes-maybe-I-should-turn-over hot.  In fact, it helps to have a good visual for “sticky,” and that visual is a cinnamon roll.  Go on.  Picture the cinnamon roll.  Picture the icing just slowly, languorously dripping off the side of the bun.  Picture someone carefully tearing apart the inner layers, oozing with cinnamon-sugar and calories and guilt.  Picture someone scraping the empty plate for leftover icing after they’ve eaten 4 rolls.  Now, picture that person unable to find a glass of cold, crisp milk in the house.  THAT’S sticky hot.  And that’s this morning by 9 AM.

Cinnamon rolls are really, really good.  Like maybe the perfect breakfast pastry in the history of breakfast pastries.  Strudels are okay, bagels are fine, doughnuts can sometimes be hit or miss, but cinnamon rolls?  Pretty dependable.  I think Pixar should make an animated film about breakfast foods.  Can’t you just imagine it?  A coming-of-age story about a cinnamon roll, a bagel, and a doughnut…forced together by fate (a catered brunch) and displaced far, far from the bakery.  They have to team up to work together (despite their obvious differences) if they want to survive the morning.  C’mon, Disney, this could work!  Think about the singing cream cheese!  Think about the dancing mimosas!  Think about the talking omelettes!  I think I’ve got something here.

Speaking of bagels and cream cheese, do you know what my gym does every 2nd Tuesday of the month?  They bring in free Panera bagels and coffee.  If this isn’t an oxymoron, I don’t know what is.  And don’t misunderstand me, I LOVE bagel Tuesday.  Heck, I have a month alarm that goes off the day before to remind me of Bagel Tuesday.  I get really sad when I miss Bagel Tuesday, because free bagels are like Manna from heaven.  And you know what else I truly appreciate? Flavored cream cheeses.  Because on top of my carb indulgence, I’m going to place an even fattier product with chopped up little veggies stuck in it.  Or walnuts and honey.  Or cinnamon and pecans.

humor gobstoppersAnd now we’re back to cinnamon.  Weren’t we talking about the weather?  What if it rained cinnamon?  What if weather as we know it was completely flipped on its ear and precipitation was all food?  What if it snowed powdered sugar?  That would really be pretty.  What if it sleeted rock candy?  It would probably really hurt, but it would be tasty.  And what if it hailed Gobstoppers?  Again, that would hurt like the dickens if you got hit, but really, who’s going to stay mad at a Gobstopper?

And what if lightning was White Lightning?  You know, the ice cream flavor?  Every time a bolt struck, you’d just see a pile of ice cream, ready for the taking.  I also think freezing rain should be made out of Blue Raspberry Icee…but I digest…

gobstopper humor